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Love Languages Cont'd

Week 6

Acts of Service: In our biblical story, Jesus showed his disciples love through acts of service when he washed their feet and waited on them. In John 13:15, Jesus talked to us about the importance of service. "I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you." 1 Corinthians 12:5 says, "There are different kinds of service." We can cut the grass, change the oil in the car, run to the grocery, and go get some popcorn for your wife from the Shell-mart late at night when she has pregnant cravings, fix a special meal, or clean up the house. Acts of service is another love language. All of us enjoy it when someone does something special for us. But for someone whose love language is acts of service, you haven’t loved them if you haven’t done something for them. Earlier in his life, Jesus had indicated that in His kingdom those who would be great would be servants. In most societies, those who are great lord it over those who are small, but Jesus Christ said that those who are great would serve others. The apostle Paul summarized that philosophy when he said, “Serve one another in love.
Small Group Activity:
In small groups, assign a person to each character in the skit. The assigned people will read the skit for the rest of the small group.
Large Group Discussion:
• Even though mark and Mary had the same love language, they were speaking different dialects. They were doing things for each other, but not things that were important for the other.
o What helped them to learn the other’s dialect?
? The lists (communication) helped them to identify their specific dialect. When they started speaking the right dialect, their emotional love tanks began to fill.
• Three Additional Observations:
1. The skit illustrated clearly that what we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage. Before marriage, we are carried along by the force of the in-love obsession. After marriage, we revert to being the people we were before we “fell in love.” Our actions are influenced by the model of our parents, our own personality, our perception of love, our emotions, needs, and desires.
2. Love is a choice and cannot be coerced. Criticism and demands tend to drive wedges. With enough criticism you may get compliance from your spouse. He may do what you want, but it probably will not be an expression of love. You can give guidance to love by making requests: “I wish you would mow the lawn,” but you cannot create the will to love. Each of us must choose daily to love or not love our loved-ones. If we choose love, then expressing it in a way in which our loved-one requests will make our love most effective emotionally.
3. (Which only the mature lover will be able to hear) People tend to criticize their loved-one most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an in affective way of pleading for love. If we understand that, it may help us process their criticism in a more productive way. Criticism often needs clarification:
• A wife may say, “It sounds like that is extremely important to you. Could you explain why it is so crucial?
• In the skit, Mary’s constant condemnation of hunting was not an expression of her hatred for the sport. She blamed hunting as the thing that kept Mark from washing the car, vacuuming the house, and doing the lawn. When Mark met Mary’s need for love by speaking her emotional love language, Mary became free to support Mark and his hunting.
• Overcoming Stereotypes
? Learning the love language of acts of service will require some of us to reexamine our stereotypes of the roles of husbands and wives.
• Due to the sociological changes in the past 30 years, there is no longer a common stereotype of the male female role in American society. Yet that does not mean that all stereotypes have been removed.
o A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effectively. Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining stereo types. But there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of your spouse. Is any act of service too great for those we love the most?
Wrap-Up
In play the My Fair Lady, Freddy and Eliza sing a song outside Mr. Higgins’s house that communicates Eliza’s love language … “Show me!" The last two Love Languages that we are going to study are Acts of Service and Physical Touch. This, according to the song, was mostly likely, Eliza’s love language.
Listen to sound track with visual effects: http://www.audrey1.com/lady.html (choose #29, WMP)

My Fair Lady

Watch a video clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOg8FAwUxPs
You Tube

3. (Which only the mature lover will be able to hear) People tend to criticize their loved-one most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.
• A wife may say, “It sounds like that is extremely important to you. Could you explain why it is so crucial?
• In the skit, Mary’s constant condemnation of hunting was not an expression of her hatred for the sport. She blamed hunting as the thing that kept Mark from washing the car, vacuuming the house, and doing the lawn. When Mark met Mary’s need for love by speaking her emotional love language, Mary became free to support Mark and his hunting.
• Overcoming Stereotypes
? A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effectively. Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining stereo types. But there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of your spouse. Is any act of service too great for those we love the most?
Wrap-Up
In play the My Fair Lady, Freddy and Eliza sing a song outside Mr. Higgins’s house that communicates Eliza’s love language … “Show me!" The last two Love Languages that we are going to study are Acts of Service and Physical Touch. This, according to the song, was mostly likely, Eliza’s love language.

Skit: Acts of Service

Characters:
Dr. Chapmen
Mary and Mark Yoder
Narrator

Mark: I have a question Mr. Chapman. Can a couple make it in a marriage if they disagree on everything?

Dr. Chapman: How long have you been married?

Mark: Two years and we don’s agree on anything.

Dr. Chapman: Give me some examples.

Mark: Well for one thing, Mary doesn’t like me to go hunting. I work all week in the mill, and I like to go hunting on Saturdays—not every Saturday but when hunting season is in.

Mary: (Mary had been silent until this point when she interjected) When hunting season is out, he goes fishing, and besides that, he doesn’t hunt just on Saturdays. He takes off from work to go hunting.

Mark: Once or twice a year I take off two or three days from work to go hunting in the mountains with some buddies. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

Dr. Chapman: What else do you disagree on?

Mark: Well, she wants me to go to church all the time. I don’t mind going on Sunday morning, but Sunday night I like to have a rest. It’s all right if she wants to go, but I don’t think I ought to have to go.

Mary: You don’t really want me to go either. You fuss every time I walk out the door.

Dr. Chapman: What other things do you disagree on?

Mary: He wants me to stay home all day and work in the house. He gets mad if I go to see my mother or go shopping or something.
Mark: I don’t mind her going to see her mother, but when I get home, I like to see the house cleaned up. Some weeks she doesn’t make up the bed for three or four days, and half the time, she hasn’t even started supper. I work hard and I like to eat when I get home. Besides that, the house is a wreck. The baby’s things are all over the floor, the baby is dirty, and I don’t like filth. We don’t have very much, and we live in a small mill house, but at least it could be clean.

Mary: What’s wrong with helping me around the house? He acts like a husband shouldn’t do anything around the house. All he wants to do is work and hunt. He expects me to do everything. He even expects me to wash the car.

Dr. Chapman: Mark, when you were dating, before you got married, did you go hunting every Saturday?

Mark: Most Saturdays, but I always got home in time to go see her on Saturday night. Most of the time, I’d get home in time to wash my truck before I went to see her. I didn’t like to go see her with a dirty truck.

Dr. Chapman: Mary, how old were you when you got married?

Mary: I was 18. We got married right after I finished high school. Mark graduated a year before me, and he was working.

Dr. Chapman: (talking to Mary) During your senior year in high school, how often did Mark come to see you?

Mary: He came almost every night. In fact, he came in the afternoon and would often stay and have supper with my family. He would help me do my chores around the house and then we’d sit and talk until supper time.

Dr. Chapman: Mark, what did the two of you do after supper?

Mark: (sheepishly) Well, the regular dating stuff, you know.

Mary: But if I had a school project he’d help me with it. Sometimes we would work hours on school projects. I was in charge of the Christmas float for the senior class. He helped me for three weeks every afternoon. He was great.

Dr. Chapman: (switching the focus on the third area of their disagreement) Mark, when you were dating, did you go to church with Mary on Sunday nights?

Mark: Yes, I did. If I didn’t go to church with her, I couldn’t see her that night. Her father was strict that way.

Mary: Mark never complained about it. In fact, he seemed to enjoy it. He even helped with the Christmas program. After the float was finished, we spent two weeks working together on the church program. He is really talented when it comes to painting and building sets.
Mark’s List:
1. Make up the beds every day.
2. Have the baby’s face washed when I get home.
3. Put her shoes in the closet before I get home.
4. Try to have supper at least started before I get home so that we can eat within 30-40 minutes after I get home.

Mary’s List:

1. I wish he would wash the car every week instead of expecting me to do it.
2. I wish he would change the baby’s diaper after he gets home in the afternoon, especially if I am working on supper.
3. I wish he would vacuum the house for me once a week.
4. I wish he would mow the grass every week in the summer and not let the grass get so tall I am ashamed of our yard.
5. I wish he would keep the driveway and sidewalk clear of snow in the winter.

Week 7

The Five Love LanguagesBy Gary Chapman
Small Group Activity
Look up the word touch in the bible concordance. Record verses where a form of touch was described.

Example: Matthew 8:3 "Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean.’ Immediately he was cured of his leprosy."
In the heartwarming series The Family Circus, we see the power of love in physical touch.
Mark 10:13-16 (The Message)

13-16The people brought children to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. The disciples shooed them off. But Jesus was irate and let them know it: "Don't push these children away. Don't ever get between them and me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in."
Physical Touch can make or break a relationship
Types of Touches
Explicit Touches
Implicit Touches

Love touches are the emotional lifeline of the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language.

Physical Touch
• In our biblical story, Jesus stooped down and washed the feet of his disciples during the last supper. Not only did Jesus show his love through physical touch on this occasion, but the gospels repeatedly point out that Christ loved people throughout his ministry with physical touch.
(slide) Small Group Activity
Over thirty times the Gospels inform us that Jesus either touched people out of compassion or people touched him out of need.
Look up the word touch in the bible concordance. Record verses where a form of touch was described.
• Example: Matthew 8:3 "Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean.’ Immediately he was cured of his leprosy."

Large Group Discussion
Everybody needs the love of physical touch. But according to Gary Chapman, some people need physical touch more than others because it is their primary love language. We share and show the love of physical touch through handshakes, hugs, backrubs, foot massages, romantic intimacy, etc. For those with the love language of physical touch, if you haven’t hugged that person, you haven’t loved that person.
(slide) In the heartwarming series The Family Circus, we see the power of love in physical touch. . .

This is the power of human touch for everyone, but especially if your love language is physical touch. If you want to love your spouse or your children deeply, don’t neglect the love language of physical touch.
Numerous research in the area of child development concludes: babies who are held, hugged and kissed develop a more healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of times without physical contact. His is not a modern idea, Jesus taught this.
(slide) Mark 10:13-16 (The Message)
The Little Children and Jesus
13-16The people brought children to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. The disciples shooed them off. But Jesus was irate and let them know it: "Don't push these children away. Don't ever get between them and me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in." Then, gathering the children up in his arms, he laid his hands of blessing on them.

(slide) Physical touch can make or break a relationship
It can communicate hate or love. To the person whose primary love language is physical touch, the message will be far greater than the words “I love you,” or I hate you.” A slap in the face is detrimental to any child, but it is devastating to a child whose primary love language is physical touch. A tender hug communicates love to any child, but it shouts love to the child whose primary love language is physical touch. The same is true for adults.
(slide) Types of Touches
• Explicit Touches: full attention, times of intimacy, back rubs
• Implicit Touches: requires little time, sitting close to one another, touching your loved-one as you walk through a room, holding hands in public, impromptu hugs, etc.

(s) Appropriate and inappropriate touches
• Within society (sexual harassment)
• Within families
• Within marriages

(s) Crisis and Physical Touch
• nothing is more important than holding your loved-one in times of crisis

(s) Love Language Dialect

(slide) Love touches are the emotional lifeline of the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional love tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.

This is the power of human touch for everyone, but especially if your love language is physical touch. If you want to love your spouse or your children deeply, don’t neglect the love language of physical touch.
Numerous research in the area of child development concludes: babies who are held, hugged and kissed develop a more healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of times without physical contact. His is not a modern idea, Jesus taught this.
(slide) Mark 10:13-16 (The Message)
The Little Children and Jesus
13-16The people brought children to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. The disciples shooed them off. But Jesus was irate and let them know it: "Don't push these children away. Don't ever get between them and me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in." Then, gathering the children up in his arms, he laid his hands of blessing on them.

(s) Appropriate and inappropriate touches
• Within society (sexual harassment)
• Within families
• Within marriages

(s) Crisis and Physical Touch
• nothing is more important than holding your loved-one in times of crisis

(s) Love Language Dialect

Week 8

Over the past eight weeks, we have explored the five Love Languages as Dr. Gary Chapman has outlined in his book. Now it is time to reflect and ask ourselves these questions:
• Could these concepts radically alter the relationships in my life?
• What would happen if you chose to consistently speak the love language of a person that you care for deeply?

The ability to love, especially when loving seems one-sided, may seem impossible. Such love may require us to draw upon our spiritual resources. Christ’s death can be viewed as an expression of love and His resurrection is profound evidence of His power. He will provide the inner spiritual energy to love, even when love is not reciprocated. Hanging on the cross, Christ prayed for those who were killing him, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” That is love’s ultimate expression!

Small Group Activities
• Activity 1: The cards on your table have quotes of endearment written in foreign languages.
o Each person chooses one quote.
o Taking turns, each person will try to read the quote to the group with as much passion and feeling as possible (followed with the English translation).
o The person’s turn ends with him teaching the group how to say “I love you” in their selected language.

• Activity 2: Take turns reading the description of each love language.

• Activity 3: Each group will come up with 3-5 examples of ways to express love for each of the five love languages.
o Using construction paper, cut out the shape of a heart (one heart for each idea).
o Write the idea on the heart (one idea per heart please!)
o Tape the heart on the corresponding chart.

Quality Time
This can be expressed either through those intimate tête-à-tête discussions or via doing things together.
• I get lonely and begin to feel uncared about if I can’t hang out with someone I love.
• I feel complete when I spend time with people I love.
• I show people I care by being with them.
• I expect others who care about me to spend their time with me.

Words of Affirmation
You need to hear praise to know you are loved, and you may also prefer to express your affection verbally. Negative comments cut right to the bone. You want to hear that you're loved and how much and why.
• I find that another’s criticism really, really hurts.
• I tell those whom I love that I love them. That’s sufficient for me.
• I feel like I need compliments, so sometimes I “fish” for them.
• I feel like “a million bucks” when I get sincere praise

Gifts
Presents and physical tokens of affection move you. It's the fact that someone is thinking about you enough to give you something that moves you. The objects are of secondary importance to the relationship and sentiment with which they were intended.
• I tend to give others things to express my feelings about them.
• I feel so good when I receive a present from someone… or even just get a freebie.
• I can feel quite depressed when I don’t get a gift, especially when I expected one.
• I would rather get a reward than extravagant applause.

Acts of Service
You prefer to show your love through favors and chores and doing things for others. You feel put-upon and unappreciated when your efforts are taken for granted.
• I often feel special, significant, and useful when I help others.
• I often feel upset when others don’t help me out, much less offer to do anything.
• I show affection by doing things for other people.
• I don’t usually ask for help, but when someone does

Physical Touch
You want to give and/or receive affection physically. This may or may not center on intimacy.
• I give and expect in return hugs, pats, kisses, and other physical signs of affection.
• I feel especially warm and appreciated when another touches me in a meaningful way.
• I can feel awful about myself when people I love don’t touch me.
• I like to show my feelings physically.

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